I was not alone

As I listened to Dr. Burnham talk today, I realized that I was not crazy nor was I alone. The feelings of fear, dread and anger that he talked about today really hit home with me. I felt as though he was taking my journal and reading it out loud.

Let me back track. This will actually be my second year as a teacher. My first year (last year) took me to highs and lows that I NEVER imagined. I remember on my first day, the principal gave me what seemed like enough paperwork to eliminate a small forest. Then told me to get my bulletin boards up. (Which is something that no one ever talks about.) All types of things that had nothing to do with classroom management or teaching and learning were bieng thrown a me with no guidance whatsoever. I was overwhelmed and the students had not even arrived yet.

Then they did!!! Oh my Lord. The place was in chaos because the schedules were not right and so they had to redo one for every student. So for the first week, the principal said, "Don't teach. You'll only have to do it over when your new class arrives." For two entire weeks we did busy work. The students knew it didn't mean anything and so did we. It was a disaster.

I remember during those first weeks and for months after, calling my mother (a 3o year veteran teacher) in tears. "It is not supposed to be like this. Why is this so hard?" I wanted to quit, but she would calmly say. "Just wait. It'll get better." It did not. I was so stressed out by the end of the first nine weeks that I had to take 3 days off. I was so frustrated and I was mad.

I was mad because, my administrator was no help. You could send kids to the office, he would send them right back and they would laugh at you. I was using a school model on which I had never been trained and constantly being fussed at because I wasn't doing it correctly. My first nine-weeks district scores were so horrible, I felt that I was doing a disservice to the kids. I hated teaching and I was miserable.

And so it went until October when my perspective changed. I had been assigned the job of assistant girl's basketball coach. The head coach was running the after school program and therefore was never at practice. Here I was a new techer and coach and I was alone. I had no experience, so I enlisted the help of an uncertified assistant who probably knew more about coaching every sport, than any of us combined knew about coaching one. He taught the girls everything, but he taught me more. I learned to be more patient and to set realistic goals for my team. I learned that I was human and imperfect and accepted that. Most of all, I learned to care. I feel in love with each and every girl on that team. I learned to respect them and they learned to respect me.

I guess the love that I had for my girls carried over into the classroom. Teaching became easier. I listened more to my students and they realized that I cared. They worked harder for me and I worked just as hard for them. I stopped crying every night and started buying treats for the students. I began to have fun teaching and they began to enjoy learning.

Don't get me wrong. Everything did not turn perfect. The administration was still lacking. I just learned to do my job and let the rest handle itself. The students still misbehaved. I just learned new ways to manage them. And some days I still went home wondering why I took that job, but then I'd see the lightbulb go off in one child's mind the next day or my team would dump the Gatorade on me and I'd remember. Most of all, I realized that I really did love teaching.

I've always wondered if anyone else felt the same way I did. Did any other teacher go one in tears or was it just me? Had anyoe else felt the same way those first days and months of school when it seemed as though all the other teachers were breezing along. Now I know.

Thanks so much, Dr Burnham for the talk. It feels so good to know I was not alone.